Volume 1: Eikaron and the Doomed Pantsfeelings
Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I mentioned I had some interpersonal relationship drama? That would probably quickly be resolved? Lol. Nope.
It’s just getting worse and I am going to blog about it. Friends, let this be a lesson to you: you may end up as blog fodder anytime. No one is save.
And honestly, part of why I’m writing this down is because I figured I’ll do what all the cool bloggers do and give everyone I write about really silly nicknames and now I just want to start using them.
Soo…back to the Saga of the Doomed Pantsfeelings. I quite like the title (props to Captain Awkward for the term “pantsfeelings”)
Let me start at the beginning. I have a friend, let’s call her Lucky. She is from [place at the other end of the world which I will henceforth call Narnia].
I met her over a year ago at a local poly meetup, while she was in a polyamorous relationship with her LD boyfriend Quaternion in Narnia and her local boyfriend Thornberry who is not important, except as background information.
Fast forward. Lucky and I quickly became close friends. I met Quaternion when he came to visit one time. He was weird but in a very cute way (what can I do, I love my nerds). A while ago Lucky broke up with Thornberry and reconsidered polyamory. She was kinda fed up with it but still in an open relationship with Quaternion, who is going to move here roughly at the start of the new year.
Before-now: I have, at some point (my timeline is really wonky on this), mentioned that I think Quaternion is pretty cute and that when he moves here I might be open for cuddles. Lucky was perfectly fine with this (or at least she said so) and did indeed relay this to Quaternion who turned out to be likewise interested (I know. Weirdest matchmaking ever).
Almost-now: Quaternion will be here for a month! Yay! Let’s hang out!
Since Lucky has to work during the day and I have aaaall the free time until I start uni in fall, it stood to reason I’d keep him company and show him the cool parts of the city.
Which I did, very literally. It’s summer in Vienna so swimming in the Danube it was. I think he’s an awesome person, he thinks I’m an awesome person, maybe it’s going to be awkward, seeing as we hardly know each other, maybe not. Maybe it will be a date, maybe it will be a friend date, who knows?
Well, I don’t know if it was a “date” in the strictest sense but we did have a really great time. Quaternion and I clicked very well (in my humble opinion). Brilliant conversations. Minimal awkwardness*. Much chemistry. Kissy stuff happened (I shall keep this PG).
We talked a bit about expectations too – I wasn’t looking for a committed relationship at all anyway and Quaternion & Lucky’s agreement was that only casual sex or friends-with-benefits type arrangements were allowed, so all good.
Lucky joined us for an after work swim and then the three of us went for burgers near Lucky’s place. Only Lucky didn’t because she had a headache and went home but telling us to go eat without her. Quaternion and I did feel a bit uneasy about it but…idk, I take people at their word? So we had burgers and more entertaining & intellectually stimulating conversations and played Khet until 9pm because Quaternion was way too good for someone playing it for the first time (I won, but only by a hair’s breadth and I don’t think I ever had a game go on for so long).
In short: had great time, thought everything went splendidly, let’s meet again tomorrow.
*with the usual game of “is he not interested or just shy?”
This is the one drawback of dating nerds. One of these days I am going to make a huge signpost, print “Yes, I am into you. You may commence non-platonic interactions” on it and just whack them over the head with it.
Apparently Quaternion was very excited about me too because the next day I get a text from him that said something to the effect of “Lucky and I had lots of serious conversations and I don’t think she’s ok with us dating. I’m really sorry do you still want to meet as friends?” (<– please do remember the precise content of this message, I will get back to it)
Wow. Okay. That…just gave me a really good impression of what unicorns must feel like.
I was really taken aback. Mostly because it seemed so out of the blue. I had thought everything had gone really well and that all of us had had a good time?
[sinister voice over] This is where it all started to fall apart
Why the sudden change of heart? And more importantly: Why the fuck is my friend not talking to me personally?!?? (Spoiler: this is going to be a theme)
So I said, in general yes, but are you sure that’s a good idea right now? I admit I didn’t anticipate it would bother me quite so much but it did. So at my request the three of us had a conversation together. You know, with EVERYONE included. Yes I am still pissed about this. If you change your mind, fine, but as one of my closest friends do me the courtesy of telling me yourself, preferably in person, instead of sending me a text message through your boyfriend.
Our awkward talk was actually not that bad. We all care about each other. I don’t want to hurt Lucky. Quaternion doesn’t want to hurt Lucky. Both of them are really sorry they accidentally dragged me into their relationship drama. All of us should have communicated before but hindsight is perfect sight…
Lucky did admit that she had overreacted, thinking Quaternion’s and my ‘date’ had been much more serious than it was, heading more towards bf/gf than friends with benefits. I mean, that would be a bit weird after meeting just once but that’s why it’s called an overreaction. Anyway, it turned out that Quaternion and Lucky have different opinions on what an open relationship should look like and what is important to them. The bright side is, they have now discussed it/are discussing it. The less bright side is that I have a crush on Quaternion (ok I did not see this coming) but I can’t do anything about it because they are now monogamous again forever. Great. (Don’t worry guys I still love you!)
That conversation wasn’t the last one (maybe it should have been). Cue emotional rollercoaster over the next 2-3 weeks.
So, Quaternion and I were only going to be friends which was difficult for both of us. I enjoyed spending time together very much but having pantsfeelings for someone you know for a fact also has pantsfeelings for you but you’re not allowed to act on them can be rather frustrating. Once you open that box there is no going back.
Nevertheless, we were doing okay. Quaternion and I talked about the situation a lot. Lucky did not talk to me about it but I figured she needed some space. We did do stuff together as a group, like skinny dipping (yes you may question the wisdom of this but it had been planned for a while) or going to a game night together. I always thought things were fine only to find out later from Quaternion that x thing had bothered Lucky; for example that she felt like we were flirting or that I was being too physically intimate with Quaternion at the game night. Remember when I said “not talking to me” would be a theme? Why do people insist on pretending everything is fine when it’s not? It’s the worst! And hey, I get that maybe in the moment you’re unable to say anything…but that doesn’t stop you from bringing it up later or shooting me a fb message.
Cue more emotional talks. Lucky told me she had felt like she had to constantly defend herself & like she had to justify her decision with airtight rational reasoning. I expressed my hurt feelings over not being told stuff that bothered her because guess what, I don’t want to be the villain in this story. Sincere apologies on both ends. She promised to try to communicate better in the future, I apologized for inadvertently making her feel like I was judging her.
In summary, there was a lot of talking. And we could all keep this up until the end of time. But what is the point? Is there anything to be gained from dragging this out even more? Dissection and analyzing every conversation, every argument, every action, every single feeling? I’m tired of it. I want to put this behind me.
Now? Now I’ve decided to let it go. Let it rest. I’m exhausted. Should Lucky ever change her mind, it needs to happen because she wants to, not because Quaternion and I don’t ‘get’ monogamy. Rehashing this situation over and over again is not going to help any of us. It’s emotionally draining.
And maybe it sounds awful to say this because it is such a sore point for Lucky…but for me this is ultimately an extremely trivial matter that should have never become so emotionally high-charged and I have invested a totally disproportional amount of emotional labour. I’m done. What has happened, has happened, things I needed to say have been said and we’re all still friends. That is the most important bit and the one I’m going to focus on.
Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, try, try
(P!nk – “Try”)